


Mellow Yellow

by allhailthehutch



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Cancer, sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:31:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2281887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allhailthehutch/pseuds/allhailthehutch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An outtake from the If You Say So universe. Peeta meets a new friend during chemotherapy that helps him appreciate the little things in life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mellow Yellow

Katniss gives me a disappointed look when I suggest that she let me go to chemo by myself. I can see that she’s clearly exhausted. Gracie has been keeping her up at night, and I think she needs a day to herself. My mom and dad offered to watch the baby, which Katniss reluctantly allowed.

She wants to stay with me during my session but after many hours of discussion, I finally convince her to let me go on my own.

Honestly, she doesn’t need to sit with me for hours as my body is pumped full of medicine. It’s supposed to heal me, make me feel better. Funny, I always end up feeling worse after my treatments.

"Peeta!" Rue, another fellow patient, waves to me from her chair. "No Katniss today?"

Rue has been here since I started chemotherapy. She’s one of the toughest kids I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. We’ve become friends during the hours we have spent sitting here.

"I told her to stay home and relax. She wasn’t happy with me," I tell her with a laugh.

Rue smiles back. I notice she’s thinner. “I bet she will make you sleep on the couch.”

"God, I hope not!" I say as Rue giggles loudly. One of the nurses gives us a pointed look. I dip my head down and ask Rue, "How are you feeling?"

She shrugs her shoulders. “Alright I guess. I’m tired but that’s nothing new.”

I wish I could describe what this exhaustion feels like. It’s more than just being tired. Every muscle in your body aches, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

"How are you doing?" Rue is really smart for such a young age. She’s had to grow up faster than most kids, and I can’t believe how wise she is sometimes. "How’s the baby?"

I lean back in my chair and close my eyes, picturing my daughter’s precious face staring back at me. She’s the reason I’m sitting here fighting and not lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. “She’s perfect. Next time I’ll have Katniss bring her so you can properly meet her.”

Rue claps her hands together happily. “Woo! I love babies. They are so cute!”

"She’s cute but wait till you hear her scream." Rue gives me a face, and I can’t help but laugh. "Kidding - my angel is perfect and never cries at all."

Rue rolls her eyes before pulling out her cellphone and finding a game to play to pass the time.

Time always goes by slowly when I’m sitting here. I feel like I’m in another world. Usually, I’m surrounded by people who have no idea how to act around me, but here I’m just another face in the crowd.

I’m not Peeta Mellark the guy who has cancer.

I’m just Peeta, and while I do have cancer, it doesn’t define me.

"Hey Peeta?" I hear Rue’s soft, tiny voice ask me, "Do you think we will get better?"

I sigh, rubbing my eyes with the palms of hands. “I hope so, but we gotta take it one day at time.”

"I’m supposed to turn thirteen this year. If I have a party will you come?"

It takes all my strength to give her a reassuring smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Rue beams back, and I pray to all the gods in the universe that she makes it to see another birthday.

_3 weeks later_

I’m not feeling the best when I slump down in my chair and wait for the nurse to start my treatment.

I look over at Rue and she looks worse than the last time I saw her. She manages to give me a smile, but I can tell that she’s exhausted.

"You didn’t bring the baby?" Rue asks me sadly. I promised her that I would let her meet Gracie.

I frown. “Ah, I’m sorry Rue. Gracie is sick and we didn’t want to bring her around here.”

Rue nods and turns to curl up in her chair. I know how she’s feeling and right now the best thing to do is let her be.

Some days it hurts to fucking breathe. The last thing you want to do is sit and have a conversation with someone.

Katniss sends me a quick text message letting me know that Gracie’s own doctor’s visit went well and that she’s gaining weight at the perfect speed.

I smile to myself when I see a picture of Gracie and Katniss sitting together on the sofa. My two perfect girls.

They make this experience easier. I couldn’t imagine doing this alone without any support.

"Peeta?" I turn over to look at Rue and she frowns before grabbing the bucket next to her and vomiting.

"It’ll pass soon. Just breathe, okay?" I remind her, as the tears spill down her cheeks.

I hate this disease. I hate what it does to all these people. Rue should be out enjoying her life, but instead she’s stuck here with me.

Some hours later Katniss comes to pick me up and I vomit all over the inside of the car.

She tells me it’s okay, but it’s not.

I hate feeling like a helpless child.

"Peeta, didn’t they give you any Zofran for the nausea?" She rubs my back as I breathe deeply in and out, trying to subside the intense waves building in my stomach.

"I don’t wanna talk about it," I reply shortly. "Can we just go home?"

Katniss sighs loudly, and I hate that I’m unable to open up to her like before, but she has no idea what I’m feeling.

It’s so much more than just the cancer. The feeling of no future terrifies me. Katniss has faith in medicine, but I know it can fail.

There’s nothing anyone can say that will make this situation better. My mood is unpredictable, which drives Katniss crazy. I’m usually the calm and collected one, but somehow the roles have reversed.

"Peeta?" Her quiet, timid voice makes me feel guilty. "I’m sorry for pushing you."

My heart breaks when I look at her. Why is she apologizing to me? I’m the one who has been a jerk. “Katniss, come on. You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m sorry I got so angry - you just know that I hate feeling helpless.”

"I wish you would let me help you!" She’s on her knees in front of me begging. "Let me sit with you at chemo - introduce me to your friends there. I may not exactly know what you are going through, but you’re my husband, and I feel pain watching you suffer."

I rest my hand on her tear stained cheek. ”I don’t want you to see what I could become…”

"Peeta! You want me to be prepared for a life without you, but you don’t give me a chance to see what it is that you go through. I want to meet that girl Rue you always talk about!"

I can’t help but smile when she mentions Rue. She’s such a light during those sessions, and I couldn’t ask for a better person to sit next to.

"I’m sorry for being so pushy. I love you and want to make sure you are alright." Katniss apologizes as she sits next to me and snuggles her body into my side. "Gracie and I need you."

I place a soft, comforting kiss on her forehead. “I need you both too.”

_2 weeks later_

I’m shaking when I wake up in the middle of the night. It’s warm in my bedroom, but I’m freezing.

I look down at my port and notice that it’s red, swollen and hot when I touch it.

"Katniss." My throat is sore and it hurts to even whisper. "Babe - I need you take me the hospital."

She wakes suddenly from her sleep, and I see the panic in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

"I think my port’s infected, and I’m pretty sure I have a fever. Go get Gracie ready. I’ll be downstairs."

Katniss reluctantly leaves me alone, and it takes all my strength to push myself out of bed. I’m dizzy so it takes me a minute to eventually stand up.

"I better not die from some stupid fucking infection," I mutter to myself as I shuffle slowly down the stairs.

Gracie’s cries are deafening, and I’m not surprised. She hates being woken up. “Peeta, I - she’s -“

"Katniss it’s okay." I can’t watch her fall apart again. She worries so much about me that I feel that her own health is at risk. This stress can’t be good for anyone. "She’s just a baby. I’ll be okay. My head isn’t hurting. The smell from this port is really bad…I have no idea what I did."

I always try to be so clean. My nurses tell me over and over again to be extra careful when I touch anything. They didn’t even want me to change Gracie’s diapers, but I fought them on that. I’m a father and that’s part of my job in taking care of my child.

"Peeta, everything is going to be okay." She’s reassuring me, but deep down I know she’s reassuring herself.

They admit me to the hospital with no questions asked. The nurses take about

10 vials of blood from my body. I wasn’t the least bit surprised when they told me I had a pretty serious infection and they were going to pump me full of antibiotics.

"Do they know what caused it?" Katniss asks as she places Gracie in front of her breast to begin feeding her.

The sight strangely comforts me. “It could have been anything. I just need to be more careful.” I pause while I look at Gracie with a sad smile. “Especially around the baby.”

It doesn’t matter how hard I fight. There will always be setbacks in this battle, and I’m starting to lose my will.

_1 week later_

I’m back in chemo, and I notice that Rue is missing. My heart instantly begins to beat faster and harder.

"Hey Madge?" I grab one of the nurses. "Where is Rue?"

She frowns and I know she probably can’t tell me. “Peeta… you know I can’t tell you.”

"I know. I’m just worried."

She pats my shoulder to comfort me. “Now, let me grab your medicine and get you started. I need to see new pictures of that precious angel of yours!”

I’m smart enough to know that she’s trying to distract me. Something isn’t right.

"Madge."

I can feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes. She doesn’t answer me at first.

"Rue’s not coming back is she?"

It hurts to even say it. She was too young. I thought she had more time.

"Peeta, I’m so sorry." Madge tells me tearfully. Everyone loved Rue. How could they not? She was sweet, kind, and most of all, brave.

I don’t speak during the rest of my visit. What is there to say? A young girl lost her life to cancer. If she can’t make it, then there is absolutely no chance for me.

Katniss notices something is wrong when she sees me, but I don’t say a word. If I say it out loud then it’s real, and I don’t want to believe that Rue isn’t here anymore.

She needs to still be breathing.

When we get home I immediately go to my closet and dig out all my painting supplies. I haven’t picked up a paint brush since I was diagnosed.

It was always the way I expressed myself, along with baking. The image always seems to flow from my brain, to my fingers, and right on to the canvas.

I don’t have any canvas so I start painting on the blank wall. Her face haunts me. She was always so positive and hopeful about the future. How could the universe be so fucking cruel?

My movements are quick but precise. I’ve been painting since I was old enough to hold a pencil. I can’t believe I went so long without doing it. Cancer has the unique ability to take away the joy from your life.

Time flies when I immerse myself in my art. Nothing matters but the work that I’m creating and the story I’m trying to tell.

What story am I telling now?

The story of a girl who fought as hard as she could, but didn’t have the strength to keep on fighting.

The sound of knocking breaks me of my concentration. “Peeta? You’ve been in there for hours. Can I come in?”

I look down at my hands and they are covered in different colored paint. “Uh sure.”

Katniss looks at me and then at the wall. I can see the tears in her eyes. “This is stunning - Peeta you haven’t painted in so long! What - is this Rue?”

I nod. “She died.”

There really isn’t any way to sugar coat it. “Peeta! I’m so sorry! I know that she was important to you.”

"She wanted to meet Gracie and I kept promising her…"

I let the pain I’ve been holding in finally release. My heavy sobs hurt my aching body, but I don’t care about the pain. She’s gone.

Katniss wraps her arms around me as I cry. I’m not just crying for Rue but partially for myself. Death is something I can’t stop myself from thinking about.

I’m not naive. I know that no matter what my doctors tell me, there is a chance I won’t make it.

My beautiful, strong wife is what keeps me going when I can’t see the good in this world. I’m desperate to feel like I have a future, but when you watch people die around you from the same type of disease, it’s hard to have a positive outlook.

"Shhh. It’s okay. Peeta, you are okay," her voice is the calm in the storm. My illness is the loud, deafening noise that wakes me at night, but Katniss - she silences my demons.

"I’m so afraid all the time," I confess through my sobs. "The idea of leaving you and Gracie alone in this world - I can’t handle it."

"Do you remember what you told me when Gracie was born?" Katniss asks me. How could I forget that moment. Holding my newborn baby girl in my arms and seeing how hard Katniss worked to bring her in this world. "You promised to fight for her."

"I wish Rue had more time. She deserved it."

Katniss kisses my lips softly. “You deserve to live too, Peeta.”

I let my eyes travel back to the mural I painted on the wall.

It’s Rue in a field of dandelions, holding the hand of a young toddler with dark curly hair and bright blue eyes.

She’s happy there.

That’s how I’ll remember her.

Always smiling.

Always laughing.

"Katniss? Will you sing for me?" I haven’t asked this in awhile. "You know the song…"

I lay my head in her lap as her calm voice sings me to sleep. “Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you…”


End file.
